Log of thoughts

I sat in the small, dingy diner at an ungodly hour. It wasn't because I was running from something, or running to something. It was because I needed the space. Space to think. Space to breathe. It was a place no one thinks twice about. A location that both doesn't exist and seems eternal. The waitress sat at the counter, staring into the middle distance, half at work and half in a dream of her own making. I wonder what she was thinking about. Those weary brown eyes seem to have seen so much, yet so little. The look of someone who spent their entire life in a small town and never gave it a second thought. Until the idea that life could end came crashing down into their lap. The other patrons aren't much different. A shifty couple clearly waiting for the chance to dine and dash. They wear their worn out faces like masks of pitiable misfortune. Wear and tear that isn't their fault, but the fault of a cruel world and an unjust system. Anything to get out of living res...

So I went to the gym yesterday. It was a climbing gym. Specifically bouldering. It's essentially thet rock climbing most would imagine, minus the belay lines and all that. It just means it's much scarier to go higher up because there is nothing stopping you from falling. My first day was pretty chill all things considered. I met the instructor and he seemed cool. I have to say that it is very intimidating to go to a new place and see that everyone is way more fit than you are. It doesn't really bother me though, because that's true of most places I go. Anyway, the intro was very simple. I learned to fall properly. I climed my first "problem", which is what those sets of colored rocks are called, and I finished it first try. It took everything I had, and I felt a little scared because my hands immediately got sweaty. I didn't realize how heavy I am until I was about halfway up and falling would have meant I could seriously injure myself. That was enough t...

So this is me doing exactly what the title says. I'm forcing myself to do stuff. Whether it's writing in this blog, doing my homework, doing laundry, or going to the gym. I'm currently trying my hardest to write something worthwhile here, but it's very difficult. I forgot to take my medication, so my mind is all over the place. I really don't want to be at work this week. Or any week for that matter. I'm so tired of needing to work. I just want to sleep for months on end until one day I wake up and want to be productive. I'm almost certain that last part will never happen, but you never know. Doing homework is the worst kind of slog. It assumes I know nothing and will not let me use my existing experience as a way to basically test out. Not without paying the full cost of the class up front of course. You have no idea how difficult it was to go through my general education classes. It felt like literal torture. It made me question if university courses...

I came across a blog post from someone I knew years ago. The post itself is about two years old at this point and I stumbled across it accidentally. I won't link it or anything. Despite it technically being public, it feels like a violation of privacy. It brought a few things into perspective for me. The passage of time being the first, and the density of life being the second. They talk about work and relationships, which is to be expected. However the thing that really stuck with me is their experience with having kids. It feels surreal seeing this person I knew when they were just and awkward teen talking about their first child. It made me wonder if the absolute paradigm shift that supposedly comes with having kids is overblown. I know that having a child changes your life, I know that is simply the truth, but maybe it's not the cataclysmic event everyone makes it out to be. I don't mean to say it's a bad thing, and I certainly was dead set on having children ...

So, I had my first real session in my homebrew setting. Despite some scheduling hiccups and irl player issues (nothing serious), the game when beautifully. There were no problems getting people to engage with the game and everyone seemed to be having fun. Even the people who were new didn't have much trouble getting into it. I'd like to think that this is due to my own prowess as a DM, but I know better than that and am pretty sure that it was due to my players being very forgiving about anything that may have confused them. I have one player who is a semi-experienced in D&D and she did admirably allowing the others to experience the story and puzzle elements. She is a very action oriented player and loves combat, so it was a bit of a slog for her. I promised that next session will be less puzzle heavy and more action heavy. Speaking of player agency, our newest players seemed to have the most fun playing their characters. Our wizard, a shifty human turned housecat name...

So I decided that I was going to start writing in this blog regularly. I'm probably not going to shoot for daily updates, but I do want to write at least twice a week. I don't know what exactly this space is going to become, other than a log of whatever was in my head at the moment. Though that on its own has some merit. I told my fiancee that I was going to be doing this and she was supportive, because of course she is. I swear that woman is blinded by how much she loves me. I really need to keep her happy and taken care of. I do not deserve anyone that sweet. She is 100% out of my league. I know that isn't a real thing, but I don't know how else to express that she is an individual with a lot of potential, and the dedication and determination to actually see things through. While I am someone who will often start things and never come back to them. Case in point: this blog. I literally forgot it existed for 11 years. Besides that I guess I should start writing abo...

Here I am almost a full 11 years later. I never thought that I would ever return to this. Hell, I literally forgot it existed until I started working on a neocities site, and wanted some blog functionality. What would 24 year old me say if I told him where I am now in life? Probably that he would have expected me to be further along. But then utterly shocked that I'm going to be married this year. Doubly so for the fact that the woman I'm going to marry, I met just over a year ago. I think he would have assumed that I was going to meet someone and wait at least three years. Strange how life goes. Back then I was so confused and afraid about what the future would bring. I guess that's what happens when you live with severe, undiagnosed ADHD. He would be bewildered at the fact that I am now on medication and handling it quite well. He would also be bewildered at the fact that not only have I managed to go back to school, but it's completely online and ...

Okay, so. This is mostly for me to try to be creative in a way that doesn't cost me any money and won't take up any space. If I had money and space I'd be constructing random stuff at weird hours of the night. But such is life and here I am; writing nonsense into a blog I made two years ago. How fun. I guess I should start by describing the room around me. It's moderately lit by your average light fixture, y'know, the kind that looks like a nipple hanging from the ceiling. I'm sitting on the brown, slightly coarse carpet leaning against my bed. It's kinda uncomfortable, but I can't ever seem to find a good spot on this floor anyways so whatever. I'm typing this from an old, beat-up laptop that I attached a mouse and keyboard to because I don't like trackpads and flat keyboards. The keyboard and mouse I am using are moderately better. I have a trackball mouse and a keyboard with raised keys and all those useless round buttons on the top. You kno...