Consequences of movement and medication

So I went to the gym yesterday. It was a climbing gym. Specifically bouldering. It's essentially thet rock climbing most would imagine, minus the belay lines and all that. It just means it's much scarier to go higher up because there is nothing stopping you from falling.

My first day was pretty chill all things considered. I met the instructor and he seemed cool. I have to say that it is very intimidating to go to a new place and see that everyone is way more fit than you are. It doesn't really bother me though, because that's true of most places I go. Anyway, the intro was very simple. I learned to fall properly. I climed my first "problem", which is what those sets of colored rocks are called, and I finished it first try. It took everything I had, and I felt a little scared because my hands immediately got sweaty. I didn't realize how heavy I am until I was about halfway up and falling would have meant I could seriously injure myself. That was enough to keep me gripping the handholds though.

We did some technique stuff and I leared that keeping your arms out straight and above your head is better, as well as staying on your toes. Getting to the second problem was where things went a tad south. I didn't eat or drink anything before class thinking that it would be better if I had an empty stomach. That was the wrong choice. The second problem was slightly higher and more difficult. I managed to climb it, but only because I tried to take my time. That was a blessing and a curse though. I got to the top and managed to make it back down, but I slipped at the last minute. I only fell a couple feet and didn't get hurt, managing to fall properly, but I realized that I was feeling really nauseous. I had to excuse myself to the restroom and hang on to the toilet and try not to vomit for a solid 6-7 minutes. I felt really weak for the rest of the class, but managed to get through it and learn a few things. My instructor seemed very understanding and worked with me on some traversal. Basically moving sideways instead of up. I think he thought I was afraid of heights or something. Which isn't untrue, but it was not the core of the issue. The height isn't what scares me, it's the idea of falling. If I was more sure in my grip and my footing it wouldn't be a problem. All in all, it wasn't a bad way to spend an hour. I saw that they also have boxing classes so I think I'm going to try and take that as well.

After that I took a short nap at home and had a decent meal.

From there I went to work and just kind of spaced out for a while. I was way more tired than I had anticipated and didn't really want to move. My arm felt heavy, and the idea of having to do any work was daunting. Luckily no work was needed and I was able to lounge around. I even got a decent nap in. I called my fiancee and she could tell I was exhausted. She wanted me to sleep right away. Poor girl. I barely talk to her when we call. I spend most of the time sleeping because I'm just constantly tired. Hopefully going to the gym will help with that though. I feel like regular physical activity will make my days much less exhausting.

Though now that I think about it, I should be taking my medication too. I keep forgetting I have it. Which is ironic because when I do take it I feel great and want to feel like that all the time. The narrative that people with ADHD who take amphetimines are just addicts is 100% incorrect. People freak out about us needing to take scary drugs and acting like we're fiends on the prowl for more. In reality I could talke a pretty big dose, fall asleep, then forget to take it for a week. You couldn't get me to be addicted to my medication if you paid me. I would still forget and still feel bad when I do. The sad part is that when I do remember to take it, it's always way too late, and I know that it will do me no good at best, and be an active detriment at worst.

I want nothing more than to be able to live my life without having to constantly audit what I'm doing.

In any case, that's all for today. This is Shift_, signing off.